Fears… Slick black slimy fears. They haunt and creep around my head in the midnight hours. Seeking to devour my peace and bring distrust into my relationship with God.
In November our staff went to a Taiwanese amusement park in the mountains. It was a silly sort of place with giant Japanese anime characters and men in loincloths pretending to be aboriginal. As we walked up the hill towards the rides we came upon a little friendly creature that looked innocent enough.
It was one of those strange rides that spun around in a circle while your recent meals attempted to detach from the vessel and drift back to Earth.
The foreign pole was towering above me like a missile silo.
I realized far too late that this wasn’t going to be an enjoyable experience…
Or so I thought…
A nice Taiwanese lady strapped me into the sheer hulking monstrosity of metal and I waited for the spin to begin. Only instead of spinning we started to ascend into the heavens.
I looked to the left and right and noticed several Buddhists and I immediately knew this probably was not the rapture.
I am terrified of heights and I had gotten on the wrong ride! Or rather I had drastically misinterpreted the purpose of this diabolical horror machine.
Knowing from youtube videos such as this…
and this…
Taiwanese construction can be awful. I mean just awful. They do so many things well but I rarely trust in the structural integrity of Taiwanese buildings.
I trust Taiwanese amusement park rides less than the shanty machinations welded together by carnies at local fairs.
As I flew into the air I began to feel an unnerving fear. Extreme fear. My stomach welled into knots and I found myself what felt like a hundred feet in the air looking out towards the horizon. It was beautiful. I looked at Dale and we both made eye contact.
Then it dropped.
As our screams filled the air I felt for the first time in a long time that helpless feeling of being unnaturally propelled towards Earth at a rate of speed bound to result in death. I thought about death. God. Life. Would I survive? Does my future wife even know I’m dying right now? Will she miss me even though we probably have never met?
Then it began to slow. A gentle slow. A reassuring slow. As I eventually made my way down to the ground below.
I was so happy to not be dead.
That was so Dr. Seuss of me to say.
In the end even though I had fallen a significant distance at a high velocity…
I suppose I was relatively safe. Yet the harness, the list of people who had gone before me and had not died, the obvious smiles on the faces of employees… did not assuage my fears in the least bit.
It brings up an interesting thought. Fear.
I’m not really one to be afraid before something happens. Only a few things really connect with my soul in a way that brings fear.
Things I Fear…
Phone Calls.
Driving.
Starting conversations with new people in an uncomfortable environment.
A 9 to 5 job where I come home to a white picket fence and watch a little football, tell the wife I’ll take out the trash later, and repeat.
Holding a loaded AR15 while I protect someone in a shady backdoor gun deal. (Just kidding! Like that’d ever happen…)
In general living out of a tent in the middle of the jungle holds NO FEAR for me. Yet the funny thing about fear is that we often can’t predict the sheer overpowering force behind it. For instance if I had known that I was riding a failed rocket experiment in Taiwan I may have never gotten on the ride or I may have merely assumed fear wouldn’t seize me. Yet in the moment.
I was fears little punching bag as he held me down and told me to “Scream Uncle!”
This brings up a very serious question… the power of fear in the life of a christian.
What if I had a gun to my head? Logically I would hope and believe that I would have the courage to never deny Christ, yet untested in that manner, it is quite the unnerving thought… is my faith stronger than my fears? I think about it and I get so excited. The concept of being sold out enough to die for my faith… yet… is that realistic? In the moment would I feel that bravery?
Fear is sometimes overpowering. A strong man who comes and binds you. It is controlling. The body sweats, shakes, and becomes prone to poor decisions.
I’ll just be real. I’m afraid. Not always but sometimes I really am. Rather than dwell in that fear alone though I thought I would share my fears. These are things you can pray for.
So here is a list of a few fears that I have about the race from time to time… Some are real and rational… some are irrational. It is by no means exhaustive.
Newly Found World Race Fears…
Being caught in a situation where someone’s life is in my hands
Having people close to me die or fall away in the U.S. when I could be there
Raising only enough money to go for a few months and having to leave during the most incredible journey I can imagine
Calling people to raise support
Seeing someone die and being unable to help
Things that sting. I really hate poison.
Eating things that make my gag reflex activate. Dry Heave.
Foreign bathrooms. I’m not a fan.
Am I being a fool by going? Am I too old, too irresponsible, too unestablished to keep traveling? Will I ever get married if I live like this?
Unnatural unpredictable changes. In Taiwan you hardly see the stars. I never would’ve expected that nor how much it did effect me.
Leaving again
The last time I left the country it cost me so much. Yet in the end it was so worth it.
Whom Shall I Fear? – Chris Tomlin
Fear is interesting. Sometimes it is rooted in our attempt to control things and even the uncontrollable. Sometimes it is rooted in the unhealed moments of our past. It is so easy to let those things dictate what we do. To stop because of fear. To never go on a world changing adventure because of fear.
Fear is part of life. For one person a car ride is terrifying and for another it is not. For one person being a father is the scariest thing imaginable and for another it is a blessing to look forward too. Perhaps it is our perception. Perhaps our own doubts and insecurities.
So I am at a strange place here. I am at the pre-race. The moment where you look ahead at insurmountable obstacles and ask yourself,
“Do I have what it takes?”
It reminds me of this phrase God uses so often in the bible.
Fear not.
It’s repeated in the bible time and time again. It is the call of God towards His people in times of need. He really stands with us and by us. He calls us not to fear but acts of bravery and courage. I love that.
I keep coming back to that moment where the Israelites stood at the banks of the Nile. That moment where they had no hope. God is such a G. Psalm 77:19 says that God’s way lead through the sea… His footprints where already in the water.
Holy Free Pancakes. Like seriously… think about that for a moment. God knew that they would walk through the river. He had already walked the path ahead of them. He knew they would need to stand at a river until the very waters parted. In no way could the Israelites have known God would have done that. They had to stand by faith and either accept death or the word of God that He WOULD deliver them.
Today one of my teammates Brian posted this beautiful verse out of 2 Kings 6:17.
That verse talks about how the servant of Elisha was looking around and saw this massive army of enemy soldiers ready to kill. So Elisha tells him that God has this massive army of angels around him and opens the servants eyes so that he can see them.
It’s crazy the stronghold we let fear have in our life when God is so powerful! He is standing around us ready to part the Nile river! Ready to unleash angel armies! To make the entire sun stand still! Who is like our God?
If you are a father with a bad relationship with your son He is there waiting to walk you through tough conversations. If you are a wife with a rocky marriage He is ready to help you regain that foothold in your relationship and push through to a beautiful redemptive story of love. If you have cancer He is waiting to give strength and in His grace sometimes healing. If you have an unsaved family He is ready to go with you towards them and proclaim love and truth. He can redeem broken relationships. Clothe the poor. Give a place of rest to the homeless.
Fear may be a strong man. Yet inside of us is a stronger man! Jesus Christ will walk with us through every trial, temptation, problem, and path.
What do you fear? Is God stronger than that?
This God who does miracles and destroys enemies. Heals the sick and holds the orphan.
Do you REALLY believe God can stop the sun, part the seas, surround the enemy with angel armies? This is the same God who created the universe. He is on our side and He says “Fear not!”
He must really mean that.
Who knew Taiwan would have such crazy theme parks.
deadtorise 